Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Yet another christmas has come and gone by.... Time really does pass so much faster when we're older haha lol.
It's been a really emotional christmas for me this year haha. though i'm really glad that christmas eve yesterday was awesome in the sense that it was a beautiful, beautiful night. Truly haha. The past few years it always rained so so heavily on the night of christmas eve, such that we always had trouble getting to church for midnight mass! But last night, it was... just beautiful haha, there's really no other word to describe it. (: I'm truly grateful for that, because that was one of the little things that made this christmas a good one (: Christmas eve has always been, and will continue to be, my favourite night in the whole year, just like how christmas day is always gonna be my favourite day of the year (((:
I'm not a particularly religious person, but christmas is still super important to me nevertheless, because that (and easter) is the time when i feel like i'm recharging my faith, in Christ, in Catholicism, in everything and everyone around me. Having experienced a good christmas always makes me feel like the year ahead is gonna be a good one, as if through God's grace on this sacred day, I've received enough strength and willpower to take on the challenges and madness of the coming new year. (:
This christmas has been a real emotional roller coaster for me (heck, the WHOLE of 2012 has been like a freaking mad ride on some insane roller coaster, feels worse than being on battlestar galactica, lol.) but i feel like i've grown somehow, in some really minute yet significant way. I think this is one christmas that will stay in my memories forever, like how some things in the past will never go away, and will always remain to mar the otherwise happy memories of the occasion.
Last night as I was sitting in the church waiting for the mass to commence, I thought and reflected on a lot of things. On 2012, and how it has been a shitty and dreadful year. On how i reacted to ugly situations (regretfully I often reacted in an even uglier manner lol, but that is something I'll have to work on improving next year I guess... bad tempers and mean dispositions can't be changed overnight i'm sorry hahaha. ) On how i've been treating people, people around me, and people i'm close to, as well as people that I kinda dislike (or even hate sometimes heh. ) On how I resolved to make good use of this Advent season to prepare myself for christmas (after being inspired by the sermon on the first sunday of Advent), and how I would at least go for confession ( my soul is already rotting away with the 6 years' worth of sin that i've accumulated :O ) but failed miserably. On how this is gonna be yet another Christmas where I am regrettably unprepared for the Lord's coming. And this led to many more thoughts. Like how I always fail at what I set out to do. At how I'm a terrible person sometimes, when i'm being hypocritical and bitchy. How i give up too easily sometimes... not just on the task at hand, but on people around me, and sometimes even on myself.
I guess sometimes when you're left alone with your thoughts, you tend to think a lot more about things. duh. and sometimes I think being in a sacred environment brings about certain effects on us that we would not experience elsewhere.
So I felt terrible for those 2 hours of sitting around. And i started thinking and wondering to myself, why my life had gone downhill so much. What was it that had changed? Was it simply a case of me maturing and being exposed to the evils and temptations of the real world? Was it a case of me having lost the willpower to succeed, or even just survive in this world? Was it a case of me having allowed my faith to weaken, and allowing myself to be skeptical of the mysteries of my religion? I have no idea really, but I suspect that it all started from the weakening of my faith. From the moment where I started to doubt God and catholicism in general. I will admit that there have been countless moments this year where I often felt that my religion was a bunch of hogwash, and these were always during times when things were not going smoothly. I do regret it now really... again, this shows how I so easily give up on myself, and even on God. And because it's all in the mind, once my faith swayed, I lost the will to fight on, and I lost the ability to believe in myself. Being in depression... it's a vicious cycle I think. You lose faith, you get depressed, you lose even more faith, and it goes downwards from there.
And so last night, while thinking through all these, and watching the church wardens walk up and down the aisles, I inadvertently recalled a time not so long ago, when I was still serving as a warden at youth mass. I had just received the sacrament of confirmation, and oh i was so passionate about serving the church back then, when faith still burnt bright and powerful like a raging fire within me. I don't recall life being super smooth back then, but I remember being able to cope well with whatever shit being thrown at me. I think during those years, my faith saw me through the most difficult of times, really. Just look at me now though... Along the way, I don't know what the devil had gotten into me... I quit the wardens ministry and quit going to church regularly. I stopped praying at night, partly because I was feeling rebellious, and partly because I did not believe in the power of prayer anymore. I stopped believing.. for a while. It was the worst period of my life I think. And the worst thing about it was that, life still went on. And all the troubles just kept coming, and coming. But i had lost my coping mechanism, and had nothing to hold on to. So I binged, emo-ed regularly, etc. I felt annoyed at being alive (omg imagine that.), and even angry that I'd been brought into this world when I seriously never ever even asked to be born. I did not want to exist in this world at all. I'm still climbing out of that hole I think... but this time, I've decided. I'm gonna stick strongly by my faith, and hold on tight to it, because I think it will be my saving grace. It's the only way I'm gonna survive the rest of school, and all the other days of my life.
It seems to me that for the last 2 years I've been living life with half my face turned to the light, and the other half cast in shadows, undecided as to whether I should believe and keep hoping, or simply give up. Well, now i'm gonna make this promise to myself, that I will walk the rest of my days in the light, and never again will I despair or lose hope again.
Last night's sermon was about "metanoia" -- latin for "a change of heart". It seems like that sermon was meant for me hehe. Well, i'll certainly do something about that haha. (: I'll change my outlook in life, and become a happier person (: I can do this, i believe. :D
lol anyway, interesting and random thing... in the space of that 2 hours of reflection time in church last night, I also contemplated becoming a nun hehe. xD imagine that... giving up dental school and devoting myself to the religious life. It'd be a really peaceful and meaningful life don't you think? (: much better than learning how to be a bitch in dental school and then getting tempted by anything and everything after graduating. well, we'll see what happens in future.. it's never too early to tell! :p
well anyway, merry Christmas everyone, it's the most beautiful season of all, and I
hope you all find will find peace in your hearts this season (: As for
me, I've had that inner peace, but lost it along the way, so I'll make
sure I find it back by next Christmas (:
meanwhile, I'll be missing you, christmas! (: what with your festive cheer, and beautiful christmas carols.... ): till next year, alright!! (:
Thursday, December 20, 2012
oh boy am i so glad for the holidays! (: it's been 2 very fulfilling weeks of slacking around hehe, and now there's only 2 weeks left omg. i haven't been doing anything very productive at all lol, other than our group project, and the rest of the time has been spent going out, meeting friends, watching shows etc. (: but it has been so awesome, and so surreal really ((:
even if sometimes some things crop up to mar the holidays, i'm not gonna let them bring me down! (:
had a good chat with joyce when we finally finally met up in person ytd! (: woo!! :D it's amazing how we think the same way about most things omg, from work relations to growing up etc (: it's like... wow! (: hahaha :D makes me feel less alone in this crazy world bahaha xD
omg i wish holidays will never end! :/ sobs.
